This Time, I Didn't Miss a Thing

Back in America, I prided myself, and maybe even defined myself, by the things I enjoyed. I was a classy girl: I liked arty movies and indie music, fancy dinners and good wine, ballets and picnics in the park. True, I’ve always had a soft spot for self-indulgent mainstream pieces of trash as well, but these things stayed on the list of “things I find it hilarious to like” rather than “things I am proud to like.” They included Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA,” Dominoes, and watching ‘The Bachelor.’

Furthermore, there were many things I hated with a deep, unexplained passion in America. Musicals, for instance. Everyone always assumes that I’m the kind of girl who would be “into” musicals. They start Newsies singalongs at parties and expect me to join, but I never do, because something in me hates the culture of musical theatre, on the whole. I hate big-budget movies that have no plot, despite their visual accomplishments. I hate Avatar and everything it stands for. I have a deep aversion to children’s films. I hate white bread. I hate processed cheese.

But for some reason, in Senegal, I find myself inexplicably loving a lot of these things. I started noticing it when I started getting into Glee. I hated Glee in America, but here, the song and dance routines set to top 40 songs, nostaligizing the high school experience I never had, became a constant craving. Then I started watching ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ another show I hated in America, but here... I can’t get enough! I can’t stop and I can’t get enough! Senegal Lisa dreams of cheetos and white bread by the bushel. She drinks pop constantly and falls asleep five minutes into Best Picture nominees. It’s all very confusing. And the confusion hit a boiling point when I decided to watch Armageddon.

GAME. CHANGER.

Armageddon is the kind of movie I used to mock. But suddenly, this time around, watching it unleashed a torrent of emotions and a backlog of cultural criticism normally reserved for far worthier outlets. So, you see, I am writing this post with two objectives. The first is to address the fact that living in a foreign place brings out strange and surprising emotions, obsessions, and urges! And the second and more important reason is for me to expound upon my feelings regarding Armageddon.

1. OIL SAVES THE WORLD: An asteroid is hurtling toward Earth! Oh no! We’re all going to die! Wait – Michael Bay knows who can save us. Is it green energy? Electric cars? Organic farms? NO. Of course not. OIL RIGS ARE THE ANSWER. In Armageddon, NASA scientists absolutely know that the only technology necessary to protect humankind is a combination of nuclear weapons and deep sea drilling. And you thought oil was going to be the death of us all! You were wrong. Dead wrong.

2. AMERICAN OIL SAVES THE WORLD: Moreover, it’s not just oil that will save the world, it’s AMERICAN OIL! At this point in the movie, the liberal media is choking on the false libel they have been spreading for years. So head straight to a down-home American oil rig, because that’s where the real heros are. And when I say real heros, I mostly mean Michael Clark Duncan. But for realz -- we don’t need no fancy schmancy rocket science to solve this problem! A little bit of common sense from some real Americans is plenty to avoid the end of days!

3. AMERICAN WILL JUST DIY THIS THING, DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT: Oh, hey, Mr. President, the world is going to explode in a matter of moments. Do you want to brainstorm with Angela Merkel, maybe include some of our Asian allies, talk it over with David Cameron? Hell NO, Armageddon’s American President doesn’t want to talk about this to anyone. “They’re savages,” he basically says. “There will be madness in the streets if this information gets out.” What he’s really saying is, America’s got this one. Everyone else can continue going about their silly little lives while American tries to be the hero and gives overweight oil riggers with felon records near-coronaries. I think the idea for this decision in the film was to make America seem smart and strong. But don’t we all know the real answer is TEAMWORK? Surely the Russians must have a few solid insights about this asteroid! Ughhhhh!

4. NEVERMIND WE WILL TELL ONE DRUNKEN RUSSIAN: Oh wait my bad, I’ve been misrepresenting the film. The Americans DO tell some of the international community about their rag-tag plan: a drunken Russian in the space station. Honest to God, when this stereotype of the Russian man appeared in the movie, I thought his opening line in an overwrought accent as he spun in a gravity rainbow was going to be our only shout-out to international cooperation. I’ll admit that Armageddon pleasantly surprised me by giving the Russian some heroic moments, like kicking a faulty machine until it worked and then proclaiming “This how we fix thing on space station ho-HA!” But I still hold to the fact that the Russian was merely a pawn in the American plan, and his own president probably had no idea what the eff was going on near the satellites. That’s how American rolls. Hard. And secretive.

5. WE NEED SOME SHOTS OF OTHER UNFORTUNATE COUNTRIES: At least the cinematographer seemed to understand the global scope of this kind of film. While the script ignores any sense of the international, at least some of destruction shots include them. Then again, why is an unnamed Asian country represented as an idyllic opium den? And why is the only city we see destroyed none other than gay Paris? Oh right! BECAUSE AMERICA IS RUNNING THIS SHIT AND THIS MOVIE.

6. REMEMBER WHAT WE’RE FIGHTING FOR!: What are we fighting for? Well, obviously not the world (DUH!), but AMERICA. If you haven’t noticed, the theme of Armageddon is America. And the America that we are fighting for isn’t shown as she truly exists, McDonalds, bayou rats, freeways, and all, but as a Norman Rockwell interactive tableau. Look at the children in pigtails and overalls jumping into their cellar as the asteroid nears! Look at the families emerging from church and jumping into their 1948 Cadillac, ecstatic at their second chance at life! The American sequences are ultimately confusing and made me wonder if the real threat wasn’t an asteroid but an alternate dimension of 1952 trying to envelope Earth in 1998.

7. BRUCE WILLIS SHOOTS BEN AFFLECK WITH A GUN: This happens. This happens on an oil rig. This happens. He be crazy! They all crazy!

8. IN SPACE EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM: I thought the opening scene was a dream sequence because the guy who died looked like Bruce Willis and also, I could hear the astronauts screaming. Everyone knows that’s not how it works. We’ve all seen Aliens. In space NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM. So what was that opening about?! I spent the first 15 minutes waiting for Bruce Willis to wake up from his dream within a dream before finally conceding that I was smarter and knew more about space than Michael Bay.

9. BILLY BOB THORNTON IS RUNNING NASA: And it comes as a shock that ex-cons are given the green light to go into space? This blows my mind but clearly it shouldn’t.

10. BEST WAY TO MAKE SURE YOUR SON-IN-LAW NEVER SCREWS OVER YOUR DAUGHTER: Simple. Die for him. Trick him into thinking he’s going to save the world, then, at the last minute, punch him in the face and send him back to Earth, ensuring that your name will live forever in glory but you will never meet your grandchildren. And for the rest of his life, your daughter’s lover will be haunted by your selflessness, haunted so strongly that he never strays from her side lest Marley’s ghost descends from space to kill him with a meteor shower.

Love is the answer to every question.

So yes, I write this post not only to comment on Armageddon, but also to comment on the fact that my life has taken a turn where I feel compelled to comment on Armageddon. I do not know why I suddenly noticed so many fascinating things in this film. I also do not know why I started sobbing during two pivotal scenes. These things happen. All I know is that not only do I live differently here, and apparently I love differently here too.

I hope we can all still be friends when I get back. I just wanted to take this moment to be honest about the person I have become.